is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
