take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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