Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
