yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
