So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
