i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
