I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I would fuck him just for his dog
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
