It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
