I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
sarcasm needs its own font
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
