Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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