I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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