I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
