I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
