and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
