Farmville is her only friend.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
