Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
