the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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