make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
