Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
did i just pee glitter
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
