gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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