dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
