there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
