Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
