I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
