apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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