god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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