whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
