I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
