Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
