Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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