Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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