the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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