If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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