My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
