Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
