i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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