my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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