I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You work out of a Hotel?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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