My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My sheets look like a crime scene.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
