If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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