Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
