So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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