have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize