i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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