the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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