I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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