The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
