my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
