I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
