1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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