and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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