NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just blew my weed a kiss
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
