Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
