I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
