you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
