im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
