she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
