you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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