I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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