that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
