proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Enjoy the penises
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
