It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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