That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
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