she woke up with a sticky ear
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
