wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
