the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
